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Beware of the devil my child,

Beware of his charming ways,

You´ll fall under an evil spell,

Just looking at his beautiful face...


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I just can´t help myself but kind of like these things... Silly me... But I´m always curious what´s going to hatch out of them.

Mood a LOT better now. Things have somehow managed to work themselves out with some honesty. [Sometimes it IS the best way.]

24.10.07 22:25


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I´m scared, so damned scared. Not because I´m uncertain what´s next to come. No... I´m scared, because I know it. It´s going to be the same way it always is.

Why the fuck is it always like this?! Why does it end like this?! I´m so sick of it always being like this!

I meet someone and we become friends and then we get close friends. It´s wonderful. I seem to find such nice people, nice, friendly and caring. They make me feel so good and I try to do everything for them I can. Be there for them when they need me. I try so hard to do as much I can for them, cheer them up when they´re down, listen to them when they need it, I try so hard, really, I do.

And they make me feel good, loved, give me the feeling that they care. And it goes so on for some time. Months. Sometimes a year or more and it is so wonderful! It is undescribable how lovely it is to have someone who understands you. ...

But then it all breaks... I want to stay so close but... I get pushed more and more away. I feel it so clerly andd it hurts. It fucking hurts. The distance grows and even if it were so easy to get together again, chat a bit, talk... it just... it doesn´t happen. I try, but I get ignored or they show me so clearly that they have no real interest more but just talk to me about nothings out of politnes.

It all breaks appart, it crumbles and falls to ashes. And poof, all is lost. It was all so beautiful, so perfect... and then it´s gone. Without any real reason.

It´s me, isn´t it? people just can´t stand being with me for long. They seem to... loose interest. And for them there doesn´t seem to be any damage done, they don´t feel the feeling of loss, do they? No they don´t. For them it´s just another passing thing like the seasons. But I always think it´s going to be different this time. Soon I forget that it could end like this, with just falling appart without any obvious reason. And then it hits. BOOM!

That´s what´s happening now, isn´t it? ISN´T IT?! I feel it... you know? You are distancing yourself from me. You think I don´t notice? I DO! I fucking do! DO you even have the faintest idea how much you´re hurting me with this? No... you haven´t.

How could you. I don´t show it. I never want to show how much I´m hurting when I´m getting hurt. It passes after all. Just comes again sometimes, washing over me in waves. Then I feel like holding a gun to my head, screaming "Fuck you all! I don´t need you anymore!" and pulling the trigger. But I don´t do it. It passes... and I´m okay, until the next time it starts again.

Maybe it´s my own fault. I should probably show how much you hurt me. But I can´t. I can imagine you saying "You´re just imagining it." or "You are being so selfish again. Do you think everything revolves only about you?" or something like that. Yeah... sure I´m selfish, egoistical and so much more...

But I still feel, you know? I can´t change who I am. But then you come and accept me the way I am, make me feel so good, loved even. But suddenly poof... it´s all gone.

Do you hate me? Have you finally seen my true face and hate me now? Realized that I am not what you thought me to be? Yeah... that´s it, isn´t it? And you don´t even hav ethe guts to tell me? ... Or is it no tthat? Won´t you say it to my face, because you pitty me? Do you pitty me for what I am? I am so pathetic. For believing you. For thinking each time that it was finally something that can last.

I see... I see it so clearly. I´m so stupid. So damn stupid. You just like me, and spend time with me, whebn it suits you. When you need someone to like. Then... you get bored. I´m not so interesting anymore, luv. It´s that, isn´t it? You lost interest even though I haven´t. But that´s the way it is.

You like me, love me as long as it suits you... then you leave me to drown in my own despair. I hate you for that.

... No. I wish I could hate you, but I care so much. It makes me furious. I thought it would be different, really. But I should have known better.

Well... I understand. I´m just not interesting enough anymore. I´m sure you have already found someone else who is. Well good luck, love. Really, I wish you good luck, no sarcasm. I hope you have more luck than I have.

I hope you never know what it´s like to just be loved when others have the feeling they need someone to love, to care for. Someone to kill their boredom. I don´t want you to know the pain I feel. Again and again.

But that´s the way life is, you know. I just drew the unlucky card.

There is no happy end for you is there, Lestat? No one ever really loved you for who you are, did they?


31.8.07 22:11

Seul, toujours seul

Again it is dark outside... how else could it be... were it light I would have to be dead... or not... with my, more than bad, luck one never knows...

And of course I am alone. As always.

Somethimes it just makes me sick. Although... it´s probably what I truly want...

Alone but not lonely one could say. True most of the time...

...but sometimes I get so damn lonely I could scream... and you know what?...

Sometimes I do.

Not like there is anyone to hear me. But that´s the way it should be I guess.

I feel like that right now. But it will pass, it always does. Best to just ignore it. As always... ignoring works best with such anoying feelings. It all passes. Sorrow, depression, sadnes, desperation... it ALL passes. As does happines, joy and other pleasent feelings.

The only things that last are probably love and hate. Or not... they can fade away and what is left is indifference.

But that will never happen to me, will it? The blissful nothingnes of indifference and the oblivion. No. I´m just not that lucky. I will never stop feeling all those feelings. Sometimes meek... but often overwhelming.

I don´t know if that´s good or bad. Sometimes it tortures me, sometimes it saves me from myself. I just don´t know. Maybe I don´t even realy care.

I gues it´s the last... I don´t care. It´s the way it is, the way it has always been. I´m used to it. Maybe I even enjoy it without knowing it. Or maybe I do know but just refuse to believe.

Damn... I´ve got too much on my mind...

I want to go outside. Walk through the night, music blazing in my ears through the earphones, making me forget everything for a few moments.

Yes... that would be so lovely... it sounds so inviting.

But it´s so cold outside, I don´t want to feel the icy wind. I hate it. Reminds me far to much of how cold I feel inside at times. Moments when I just don´t care and my cruel, ruthles side shows.

Ah... I wish it were snowing outside. The soft white flakes falling from the sky, making the nightly sky white instead of black as it is now. The feel of the soft snowflakes landing on my face and slowly melting... if indeed I am warm enough to make them melt... but nevertheles the feeling would be wonderful.

Of course I would still be alone. But it wouldn´t matter that much. ... Or am I wrong and it would make me even more miserable?

Ah Louis... you know... I see us at the moment. Walking through the night dressed in coats, scarfs around the necks to keep us warm and warm gloves. Snow falling from the clouds softly around us, the soft white blanket covering the ground, making everything so wonderfuly pure... All this beauty... it meakes me playful, so I pick up some snow, to make a ball out of it, and throw it lightly at you. You try to be angry with me, but you can´t, can you? No... everything is just too beautiful to be angry. I can almost smell the snow now... Silly me... There is no snow. Just the icy wind in the empty cold night and me.

But there is music, it gives me some comfort. I should thank music sometime, always saving me when I´m starting to lose myself.

I think I will go out a bit. Let it be cold and the wind harsh, I´ll pretend it´s not there. Let the music calm me, close my eyes and pretend it´s snowing and everything is beautiful and worth it.

Then I´ll take a nice hot bath to make me warm again. I hate bathing alone but it´s going to do me a lot of good.

So I bid you adieu, all you mortals and immortals out there.

Lestat de Lioncourt

10.11.06 21:15

Going to Hell...

I´m walking outside...

Darkness is all I see... no moon, no stars... only blackness...

Then I hear the steps, I hear them, they echo through the night...

I stop, I turn around, I see him...

I know who he is, I know him...

He´s come for me, the time has come, my time is over...

Bloodtears are streaming down my face, I hate him right now...

I don´t want to go now... but I´m given no choice...

Goodbye my love, goodbye world...

I won´t lie to you world, I won´t miss you one bit...

You, my love, I will miss... I hope we meet again, but not where I´m going to...

You don´t deserve to see the fiery abyss I´m falling into...

You´re pure, innocent... unlike me... I never was...

Ainsi... au revoir mon amour, ne pas pleurer pour moi, je ne le mérite pas...

4.11.06 22:49



 † Für alle die mich noch nicht kennen, ich bin der Vampir Lestat. Auch als Brat prince (Flegelprinz) bekannt. Erst mal eine schöne Nacht an alle, sterblichen und unsterblichen, Geschöpfe die sich in mein Blog verirt haben. Es sieht bisher noch nicht gerade blenden aus, ich weiss. Aber habt etwas Geduld mit mir, ich habe erst angefangen es nach meinem Geschamack umzuformen.

† Aber genug davon! Die Nacht drausen sieht gerade so verführerisch aus. Sie ruft regelrecht nach mir. Schon der Gedanke an einen langen Spatziergang dürch die Dunkelcheit dieser herlichen Nacht scheint wunderbar. Das eintzige was mir noch fehlt ist Geselscahft. Obwohl… ich komme auch ohne die sehr gut klar. Ich bin gerne aleine. Was ich alerdings wirklich brauche ist Musik. Obwohl ich schon Lust auf Louis´ geselschaft hätte. Ah mein Louis… Beau, timide, aimable Louis.

 † Gerade kommt mir ein wunderschöner Gedanke in den Sinn…

 ´So until we meet again, I am thinking of you always; I love you; I wish you were here... in my arms…´
 † Ich könte noch soviel sagen. Aber die Nacht ruft nach mir und ich kann nicht länger wiederstehen.

Bis zum nächsten mal und allen noch eine wunderschöne Nacht,

                                                                     Lestat de Lioncourt
29.10.06 00:00

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