I´m scared, so damned scared. Not because I´m uncertain what´s next to come. No... I´m scared, because I know it. It´s going to be the same way it always is.
Why the fuck is it always like this?! Why does it end like this?! I´m so sick of it always being like this!
I meet someone and we become friends and then we get close friends. It´s wonderful. I seem to find such nice people, nice, friendly and caring. They make me feel so good and I try to do everything for them I can. Be there for them when they need me. I try so hard to do as much I can for them, cheer them up when they´re down, listen to them when they need it, I try so hard, really, I do.
And they make me feel good, loved, give me the feeling that they care. And it goes so on for some time. Months. Sometimes a year or more and it is so wonderful! It is undescribable how lovely it is to have someone who understands you. ...
But then it all breaks... I want to stay so close but... I get pushed more and more away. I feel it so clerly andd it hurts. It fucking hurts. The distance grows and even if it were so easy to get together again, chat a bit, talk... it just... it doesn´t happen. I try, but I get ignored or they show me so clearly that they have no real interest more but just talk to me about nothings out of politnes.
It all breaks appart, it crumbles and falls to ashes. And poof, all is lost. It was all so beautiful, so perfect... and then it´s gone. Without any real reason.
It´s me, isn´t it? people just can´t stand being with me for long. They seem to... loose interest. And for them there doesn´t seem to be any damage done, they don´t feel the feeling of loss, do they? No they don´t. For them it´s just another passing thing like the seasons. But I always think it´s going to be different this time. Soon I forget that it could end like this, with just falling appart without any obvious reason. And then it hits. BOOM!
That´s what´s happening now, isn´t it? ISN´T IT?! I feel it... you know? You are distancing yourself from me. You think I don´t notice? I DO! I fucking do! DO you even have the faintest idea how much you´re hurting me with this? No... you haven´t.
How could you. I don´t show it. I never want to show how much I´m hurting when I´m getting hurt. It passes after all. Just comes again sometimes, washing over me in waves. Then I feel like holding a gun to my head, screaming "Fuck you all! I don´t need you anymore!" and pulling the trigger. But I don´t do it. It passes... and I´m okay, until the next time it starts again.
Maybe it´s my own fault. I should probably show how much you hurt me. But I can´t. I can imagine you saying "You´re just imagining it." or "You are being so selfish again. Do you think everything revolves only about you?" or something like that. Yeah... sure I´m selfish, egoistical and so much more...
But I still feel, you know? I can´t change who I am. But then you come and accept me the way I am, make me feel so good, loved even. But suddenly poof... it´s all gone.
Do you hate me? Have you finally seen my true face and hate me now? Realized that I am not what you thought me to be? Yeah... that´s it, isn´t it? And you don´t even hav ethe guts to tell me? ... Or is it no tthat? Won´t you say it to my face, because you pitty me? Do you pitty me for what I am? I am so pathetic. For believing you. For thinking each time that it was finally something that can last.
I see... I see it so clearly. I´m so stupid. So damn stupid. You just like me, and spend time with me, whebn it suits you. When you need someone to like. Then... you get bored. I´m not so interesting anymore, luv. It´s that, isn´t it? You lost interest even though I haven´t. But that´s the way it is.
You like me, love me as long as it suits you... then you leave me to drown in my own despair. I hate you for that.
... No. I wish I could hate you, but I care so much. It makes me furious. I thought it would be different, really. But I should have known better.
Well... I understand. I´m just not interesting enough anymore. I´m sure you have already found someone else who is. Well good luck, love. Really, I wish you good luck, no sarcasm. I hope you have more luck than I have.
I hope you never know what it´s like to just be loved when others have the feeling they need someone to love, to care for. Someone to kill their boredom. I don´t want you to know the pain I feel. Again and again.
But that´s the way life is, you know. I just drew the unlucky card.
There is no happy end for you is there, Lestat? No one ever really loved you for who you are, did they?