Again it is dark outside... how else could it be... were it light I would have to be dead... or not... with my, more than bad, luck one never knows...
And of course I am alone. As always.
Somethimes it just makes me sick. Although... it´s probably what I truly want...
Alone but not lonely one could say. True most of the time...
...but sometimes I get so damn lonely I could scream... and you know what?...
Sometimes I do.
Not like there is anyone to hear me. But that´s the way it should be I guess.
I feel like that right now. But it will pass, it always does. Best to just ignore it. As always... ignoring works best with such anoying feelings. It all passes. Sorrow, depression, sadnes, desperation... it ALL passes. As does happines, joy and other pleasent feelings.
The only things that last are probably love and hate. Or not... they can fade away and what is left is indifference.
But that will never happen to me, will it? The blissful nothingnes of indifference and the oblivion. No. I´m just not that lucky. I will never stop feeling all those feelings. Sometimes meek... but often overwhelming.
I don´t know if that´s good or bad. Sometimes it tortures me, sometimes it saves me from myself. I just don´t know. Maybe I don´t even realy care.
I gues it´s the last... I don´t care. It´s the way it is, the way it has always been. I´m used to it. Maybe I even enjoy it without knowing it. Or maybe I do know but just refuse to believe.
Damn... I´ve got too much on my mind...
I want to go outside. Walk through the night, music blazing in my ears through the earphones, making me forget everything for a few moments.
Yes... that would be so lovely... it sounds so inviting.
But it´s so cold outside, I don´t want to feel the icy wind. I hate it. Reminds me far to much of how cold I feel inside at times. Moments when I just don´t care and my cruel, ruthles side shows.
Ah... I wish it were snowing outside. The soft white flakes falling from the sky, making the nightly sky white instead of black as it is now. The feel of the soft snowflakes landing on my face and slowly melting... if indeed I am warm enough to make them melt... but nevertheles the feeling would be wonderful.
Of course I would still be alone. But it wouldn´t matter that much. ... Or am I wrong and it would make me even more miserable?
Ah Louis... you know... I see us at the moment. Walking through the night dressed in coats, scarfs around the necks to keep us warm and warm gloves. Snow falling from the clouds softly around us, the soft white blanket covering the ground, making everything so wonderfuly pure... All this beauty... it meakes me playful, so I pick up some snow, to make a ball out of it, and throw it lightly at you. You try to be angry with me, but you can´t, can you? No... everything is just too beautiful to be angry. I can almost smell the snow now... Silly me... There is no snow. Just the icy wind in the empty cold night and me.
But there is music, it gives me some comfort. I should thank music sometime, always saving me when I´m starting to lose myself.
I think I will go out a bit. Let it be cold and the wind harsh, I´ll pretend it´s not there. Let the music calm me, close my eyes and pretend it´s snowing and everything is beautiful and worth it.
Then I´ll take a nice hot bath to make me warm again. I hate bathing alone but it´s going to do me a lot of good.
So I bid you adieu, all you mortals and immortals out there.
Lestat de Lioncourt